Mark Halsey was one of the best referees English football has ever seen.
He’s also probably – although we can’t say for certain – the only Premier League official ever to receive a hand job while driving a taxi.
Halsey was on the Magic Sponge podcast earlier this year when he told a quite brilliant tale.
The podcast – which was co-hosted by former footballer Jimmy Bullard and comedian Rob Beckett – first aired in February, but, rather incredibly, none of the newspapers picked up on some brilliant quotes from Halsey.
If Mark Halsey getting a hand job in the front of a cab isn’t tabloid gold, what is?!
During the first eight minutes of the podcast, Halsey finds himself talking about being in a “red wine club” with many fellow refs who used to call him “Taxi”.
Halsey then explains the nickname.
The short answer is simply because he used to work as a taxi driver to supplement his refereeing wages.
However, it’s worth reading Halsey’s full explanation, which quickly descends into one of the best hand job stories you’ll hear this year.
“They used to call me Taxi because I was a cab driver for a little bit,” Halsey began. “That was good. I enjoyed that. Some nice women used to come and sit next to you.
“God’s honest truth, I was working Christmas Eve – this was many years ago, so, Michelle (Michelle is Halsey’s second wife), if you are listening, I wasn’t with you darling.
“I picked these girls up to take them to a nightclub – two in the back and one in the front. So they get in and I say ‘Where do you want to go girls?’ They want to go to the nightclub, so I say ‘Yeah, no problem’.
“They got in, put the belts on and I’m driving away, then all of a sudden she put her hands on me and started rubbing where she shouldn’t have done.
“‘Carry on’, I thought, so we’re driving along, and I’m getting bigger and bigger and bigger, but then the journey comes to an end.”
Beckett then asks Halsey if he arrived at his final destination, but Halsey concedes he did not.
“She wanted me to come back later on,” Halsey added. “But I didn’t because the wife phoned up and wanted to know where I was.”
The studio erupts with giggling fits of laughter before Bullard quips: “Mark Halsey, loved a bird on the sly!”